I had a week off writing last week as I was away with friends… and I’ve struggled this week to get back into my flow, which includes getting started with this blog today.
There are many things going on in my mind at the moment – things I’m reflecting on – so, narrowing down the theme for today’s writing has been a hard one.
I’ve landed on something that keeps coming up for me – in different ways – at work, in my personal life, in my relationships.
What does it mean to be my authentic self? The word authenticity is banded about a lot. It feels like an overused word. It feels obvious. “Be yourself. Be authentic.” I mean, doh, of course?!
But I’ve struggled with this and continue to struggle with this to an extent. And I wonder if others do too? Knowingly or not.
If I was to ask myself the question – What would I tell my 18 year-old-self? – how would I respond?
Paul and I talked about this on a walk this morning. His response was: “Don’t be a d*ck!” Which I think is pretty good advice all round… 🙂
My response was “Be yourself. Don’t be someone you think others want you to be.”
In between, we also had the conversation that at 18, I probably wouldn’t have listened to this kind of advice! I reckon, I would have thought, yeh, whatever! In fact… I would probably have thought that at 21, even at 30.
And finally, at nearly 50 years old, I feel differently. I’ve often said before, I don’t have any regrets. And actually that’s really not true. I, of course, regret how I have treated people in the past, and I regret how I have treated myself too – by living life as a people-pleaser. This is something I really am trying to do less of – not in a d*ckish way of course – but in an authentic, living life in line with my values, having self-worth etc, type of way…
It’s really no wonder I’m reflecting on who I am as I approach 50. Maybe this is my midlife crisis?!
Up until the last 5 years or so, I’d never really considered the question “who am I anyway”? I’ve also started to think about it more through the lens of “who do I want to be?” as we naturally evolve, depending on what’s going on in our lives, at any point in time.
So much of our identity is wrapped up in the different responsibilities we have to ourselves and to others. And, I’ve spent much of my life seeking the approval of others – by trying to be a version of myself that others (or society) expect or will accept more – likely, as a means to fit in. And this probably started from an early age – going to boarding school aged 9!
And at what cost? At work, it has resulted in me burning out. In relationships, it has resulted in divorce or disappointment. When I was younger, it resulted in me getting into trouble quite a bit!
Now I get that we learn from making mistakes (well, hopefully we do!), and this is all part of the wonderful journey of life… so it’s not that I don’t regret making mistakes. But I do regret not understanding myself sooner.
In fact, some of my greatest “failures” – getting divorced, being made redundant, burning out, not being a mother – have been my greatest learning and growth moments.
Don’t get me wrong, I am proud of so many things in my life. I’ve been so lucky to have had some really meaningful jobs and lots of incredible relationships that have stood the test of time – friendships, as well as romantic ones. So, it’s not that I’ve not been authentic in these.
But what I’ve learned is that when things have broken down – e.g. I’ve eventually found the work meaningless (and burnt out) or a relationship has broken down, the common theme is that I haven’t been honest about who I am, my needs and wants, my expectations, my boundaries.
That’s down to many things I’m sure, but at it’s core, I think I’ve sacrificed myself, for others – in a large part as my need to be accepted or approved of – was stronger than my need to be myself. Ironic really.
Focusing in on my values is helping me with this, but it’s not easy work. I am changing and with it how I want to live my life is changing.
My three values are connection, freedom and energy – and they provide me with a framework through which I can better choose how and what I spend my time doing and who with…
So, as I approach 50 – I am learning to lean into these values, to put my own needs and wants first and also trying not to be a d*ck about it too!
It’s hard – it’s hard to human as Nicky and I say at work all the time… so, I’m also trying to be compassion to myself as well, and to be confident that those that love me will accept me for who I am and who I want to be.
Happy Friday!
x
Not The Mayo Clinic 